A Ladle Full of Condescension

I just got home from the Chinese restaurant. We ordered soup and when the soup arrived the waitress ladled out my mother's and father's portion without question or comment. When she got to me, however, she turned to my mother and asked her if it was alright if I had soup. Yes, it's alright if I have soup, and when my mother informed her of this very basic fact she gave me only a half portion before asking if it was okay if I had another ladlefull.

Everything was handled so routinely as if nothing was out of the ordinary and that the encounter was nothing more than routine.

I'm upset that I would be treated like I was a child. I'm upset that this kind of behavior is so ingrained and expected that the people around me, the people who should know better, are so complicit when things like this happen. I'm upset that I was so complicit, that I didn't speak up or say anything, that even though fighting for my humanity is important to me I am so ingrained with the idea that I shouldn't cause a stir, that other people's comfort is more important than my dignity, that I said nothing.

I wanted to tell them I'm an adult. I wanted to say that I can make my own decisions, that I can do things. I wanted to say that I'm not just a passive piece of furniture, that I have thoughts and feelings of my own. I wanted them to know I was a person.

By the way, do you want to know what goes through my head when people treat me this way?

"Some kind of retard."

"Some kind of retard."

"Some kind of retard."

I wish it would stop.

Fuck this world, that's my rant for tonight.