Painfully Fat

I just came from a doctor's appointment. I went to talk about my chronic pain. I went to see her because I wanted help, I wanted relief, and most of all I wanted an explanation for what is happening to me, some vocabulary I can use when talking about my pain. Most of all, I wanted to know why so that I could stop feeling like a fraud every time I tell someone about my body's needs and have to answer "I don't know" when people ask me about my pain. Some way for me to feel like people could take me seriously -- some way for me to be able to take what is happening to my body seriously.

To put this in perspective, I have been living with chronic pain since I was 16, at least. I have been trying for a very long time to get an explanation for the pain I have experienced -- to get a medical professional to listen to me carefully and to show my body respect. It has been progressive. Yet every time I bring this up with a medical professional I'm simply told "loose weight and sit up straight."

I told my doctor this when I came in today. I told her my history. I told her about my body. I told her about how I've struggled to have doctors take me seriously and to look past my weight. She told me it was a travesty that doctors in my past couldn't see past my weight.

She told me this right up to the point that she sent me out of her office with a lecture and referral to a nutritionist to loose weight and a referral to a physical therapist to check my posture. Exactly the same thing that I've had before. Every single time.

I don't know what I'm going to do or how to really feel about this. I need to take care of my body. I need to address my pain. More than anything I need the language to talk about what my body needs. I need to be able to communicate my pain and my needs and I left no closer to this goal than I came.

I feel defeated.

What do I do? Do I play this game -- do I see the nutritionist and loose 50lbs, do I play a song and dance to learn to sit up straight? Do I follow along hoping that someday somebody will take me seriously, will consider that I have done enough to prove that I'm just not a fat lazy blob, that I deserve a diagnosis or at least deserve to have the reason behind my pain taken seriously? Do I do this in hopes that things might be better in the future?

Or do I retreat back into my hole and never mention my pain to a doctor again? Do I wait another three, another five years before seeking help again? Do I wait until my pain is yet worse -- until my body is even more broken before I try to treat it or at least ebb the tide?

I don't know.

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I want to talk a bit about posture and what it means to me -- what it means to me when a doctor tells me that I need to fix my posture. How do I fix my posture? As an autistic woman I have difficulty with proprioceptive awareness -- with awareness of the position of my body.

It has been a long time since I have had my diagnosis reconfirmed. I haven't needed to do this. It's been a while since I have been honest, since I have been able to be honest, with my healthcare providers about my autism.

How do I get the help that I need regarding those difficulties in relation to my posture? Do I be honest with the physical therapist about my autism? Do I come out to her? Do I come out to my doctor?

It has taken a long time for me to reclaim my diagnosis, my autism, and it has not been an easy thing to do. But it has been an important thing for me. It gives me strength, it gives me words which I can talk about what I experience as someone who is different. It gives me community.

It gives me language to speak to my experience, like what I now seek for my pain.

Do I risk coming out to my doctor? Do I risk allowing all of this to come under scrutiny again? Can I risk having my diagnosis denied -- having my identity and my language to talk about what I experience stripped from me again?

I know these doctors, these professionals who casually, from a position of ignorance, deny my reality and I know they are wrong. I know they come from a position of ignorance, a position of false stereotypes and misinformation. I know that I was given my diagnosis because growing up I was developmentally delayed. I know that I deserved this diagnosis, that I was autistic. I know my reality and how this still affects me. I know this.

Yet at the same time can I afford to again make myself vulnerable? Can I put myself in a position where someone I trust can tell me I am fake? Can I stand going through reaccepting my mind yet another time?

If my doctor denies me can I feel safe in her office? If I can not, where can I turn?

It's not easy.