A Ladle Full of Condescension

I just got home from the Chinese restaurant. We ordered soup and when the soup arrived the waitress ladled out my mother's and father's portion without question or comment. When she got to me, however, she turned to my mother and asked her if it was alright if I had soup. Yes, it's alright if I have soup, and when my mother informed her of this very basic fact she gave me only a half portion before asking if it was okay if I had another ladlefull.

Everything was handled so routinely as if nothing was out of the ordinary and that the encounter was nothing more than routine.

I'm upset that I would be treated like I was a child. I'm upset that this kind of behavior is so ingrained and expected that the people around me, the people who should know better, are so complicit when things like this happen. I'm upset that I was so complicit, that I didn't speak up or say anything, that even though fighting for my humanity is important to me I am so ingrained with the idea that I shouldn't cause a stir, that other people's comfort is more important than my dignity, that I said nothing.

I wanted to tell them I'm an adult. I wanted to say that I can make my own decisions, that I can do things. I wanted to say that I'm not just a passive piece of furniture, that I have thoughts and feelings of my own. I wanted them to know I was a person.

By the way, do you want to know what goes through my head when people treat me this way?

"Some kind of retard."

"Some kind of retard."

"Some kind of retard."

I wish it would stop.

Fuck this world, that's my rant for tonight.

Saying "No" to Drugs

Yesterday I saw my neurologist. It was a routine follow-up, nothing special. I came in, doctor reviewed my file, asked me if I still wished to forgo medication, I told him I did and he said alright and left it at that. Why do I have a neurologist, you ask? To help me navigate the accessibility bureaucracies and to keep my family happy. Nonetheless, it does give me the opportunity to talk about why I don't accept treatment for my tics:

A year and a half ago my tics flared from almost nothing to a point where I was having four hour long uncontrollable fits. I was unprepared emotionally. I ended up going to psych services to avoid hurting myself and I was referred to their psychiatrist who put me on medication.

While my new drugs did help me control my tics and everyone around me was really happy with them, I couldn't stand them. Part of Tourette's is what is called "premonary urges" that is you can often feel the tic moments before you have a tic; they're kind of like itches or tickles and the tic makes them go away. The drugs, while they helped me with the tic itself, did nothing to the premonary urges so while I might not have, say, barked I still had that "oh god I really need to bark right now" feeling.

Kinda like a sneeze that never comes.

It ended up leaving me with few honest-to-god tics that just came and a whole lot of agonizingly uncomfortable urges which to get rid of necessitated me going through the motions anyway. This left me feeling like a real jerk or at least a faker because I was so often coaxing myself to tic in order to make the feelings go away.

I'm so, so glad that those medications never did any permanent damage. I will never again accept drugs or similar treatment. At this point, though, even though my tics are as bad as they ever were they are so much part of who I am and how my world is that parting with them, even if I could be assured that I would get rid of all their symptoms, seems unthinkable to me.

Parts of this post come from a comment I wrote in response to Disability and the Curing Thereof over at Kaz's Scribblings.

US DoS to Recognize Pre-/Non-Op Gender

The United States Department of State, as of today, will be recognizing the gender of pre- and non-operative transgender people when we apply for United States passports. According to the Department of State news bulletin:

Beginning June 10, when a passport applicant presents a certification from an attending medical physician that the applicant has undergone appropriate clinical treatment for gender transition, the passport will reflect the new gender. The guidelines include detailed information about what information the certification must include. It is also possible to obtain a limited-validity passport if the physician’s statement shows the applicant is in the process of gender transition. No additional medical records are required. Sexual reassignment surgery is no longer a prerequisite for passport issuance. A Consular Report of Birth Abroad can also be amended with the new gender.

So, if you can find a doctor who will sign off that you're 'transsexual enough' you can get the Department of State to reflect your actual gender on your United States passport documents.

This replaces the old policy which required a note from a surgeon that the individual has received genital surgery before a new permanent passport could be issued and only allowed for a gender-affirming temporary passport when it was being issued for the purposes of traveling abroad for genital surgery.

This is really good news. Not just for people like myself who live in states, like California, where our right to have our gender identity recognized is already respected; we get to have travel documentation when we go abroad which reflects who we are. For people who are less fortunate and live in areas where their rights are not as well respected and who are not able to get driver's licenses and state identification reflecting their gender identity this provides a second option. A passport is worth its weight in gold when it comes to identification and nowadays, with the WHTI passport card, carrying federal documentation which reflects an individual's true identity is as easy as carrying a driver's license.

Now, no transgender citizen of the United States has to rely on their local politic in order to obtain gender affirming identification.

This is, of course, all prerequisite on the ability to obtain a sympathetic doctor and the ability to perform to the whims of the medical community. This means that people who have limited access to transgender friendly doctors, who do not conform to the medical model of binary transsexualism, or who are otherwise often deemed unfit to assert their own identity such as those with history of mental illness may still be unable to secure documentation. Of course, that is to say nothing about the problematic nature of having one's identity, ideally the most sacrosanct of one's individuality, in the control of a third party.

I suppose, though, that this is a step in the right direction and, in a world where being outed in the wrong area can lead to the loss of livelihood or risk to personal safety, a very necessary one.

On a personal note, of course, it comes right after my own passport had been issued. On the bright side, unless the application is expedited, having it reissued with the correct information is free.

To read more, please refer to the National Center for Transgender Equality.