Memories

When I think abut my experiences in middle school I am filled with a great deal of pain. I remember my experiences in special education being taught that, as a human being, I was defective and wrong. I remember the beatings, the dirt and the rocks, the destruction of my things. I remember the humiliation, the isolation, the loneliness. I remember the pain of beginning a male puberty. I remember a lot of things I would sooner like to forget.

I had the opportunity to look through my old sixth-grade yearbook tonight. I had wanted to look somebody up who I had been thinking about recently. I took the opportunity to thumb through my class pictures.

I cried a little.

I expected to remember the bullies. I expected to remember the pain that had been caused. I had thought that the faces of my memory, the pain, would come and surface again as I looked at the rows of portraits.

But it didn't, and I was surprised.

I was surprised that, as I looked at the faces of my former classmates, memories of what brought happiness came back to me. I looked at a face and I remembered how we used to talk for hours secretly hidden away from the other children. Another face and memories of my first crush came back to me -- memories of a young heart racing, too scared to open up. Looking across the page I remembered my first kiss.

I thumbed through my old yearbook. It brought back memories and I am reminded. I am reminded that even in the midst of pain there is joy and life. In the end, when we remember what is truly important, that is what we remember.

Sometimes that is so easy to forget.

Painfully Fat

I just came from a doctor's appointment. I went to talk about my chronic pain. I went to see her because I wanted help, I wanted relief, and most of all I wanted an explanation for what is happening to me, some vocabulary I can use when talking about my pain. Most of all, I wanted to know why so that I could stop feeling like a fraud every time I tell someone about my body's needs and have to answer "I don't know" when people ask me about my pain. Some way for me to feel like people could take me seriously -- some way for me to be able to take what is happening to my body seriously.

To put this in perspective, I have been living with chronic pain since I was 16, at least. I have been trying for a very long time to get an explanation for the pain I have experienced -- to get a medical professional to listen to me carefully and to show my body respect. It has been progressive. Yet every time I bring this up with a medical professional I'm simply told "loose weight and sit up straight."

I told my doctor this when I came in today. I told her my history. I told her about my body. I told her about how I've struggled to have doctors take me seriously and to look past my weight. She told me it was a travesty that doctors in my past couldn't see past my weight.

She told me this right up to the point that she sent me out of her office with a lecture and referral to a nutritionist to loose weight and a referral to a physical therapist to check my posture. Exactly the same thing that I've had before. Every single time.

I don't know what I'm going to do or how to really feel about this. I need to take care of my body. I need to address my pain. More than anything I need the language to talk about what my body needs. I need to be able to communicate my pain and my needs and I left no closer to this goal than I came.

I feel defeated.

What do I do? Do I play this game -- do I see the nutritionist and loose 50lbs, do I play a song and dance to learn to sit up straight? Do I follow along hoping that someday somebody will take me seriously, will consider that I have done enough to prove that I'm just not a fat lazy blob, that I deserve a diagnosis or at least deserve to have the reason behind my pain taken seriously? Do I do this in hopes that things might be better in the future?

Or do I retreat back into my hole and never mention my pain to a doctor again? Do I wait another three, another five years before seeking help again? Do I wait until my pain is yet worse -- until my body is even more broken before I try to treat it or at least ebb the tide?

I don't know.

~~

I want to talk a bit about posture and what it means to me -- what it means to me when a doctor tells me that I need to fix my posture. How do I fix my posture? As an autistic woman I have difficulty with proprioceptive awareness -- with awareness of the position of my body.

It has been a long time since I have had my diagnosis reconfirmed. I haven't needed to do this. It's been a while since I have been honest, since I have been able to be honest, with my healthcare providers about my autism.

How do I get the help that I need regarding those difficulties in relation to my posture? Do I be honest with the physical therapist about my autism? Do I come out to her? Do I come out to my doctor?

It has taken a long time for me to reclaim my diagnosis, my autism, and it has not been an easy thing to do. But it has been an important thing for me. It gives me strength, it gives me words which I can talk about what I experience as someone who is different. It gives me community.

It gives me language to speak to my experience, like what I now seek for my pain.

Do I risk coming out to my doctor? Do I risk allowing all of this to come under scrutiny again? Can I risk having my diagnosis denied -- having my identity and my language to talk about what I experience stripped from me again?

I know these doctors, these professionals who casually, from a position of ignorance, deny my reality and I know they are wrong. I know they come from a position of ignorance, a position of false stereotypes and misinformation. I know that I was given my diagnosis because growing up I was developmentally delayed. I know that I deserved this diagnosis, that I was autistic. I know my reality and how this still affects me. I know this.

Yet at the same time can I afford to again make myself vulnerable? Can I put myself in a position where someone I trust can tell me I am fake? Can I stand going through reaccepting my mind yet another time?

If my doctor denies me can I feel safe in her office? If I can not, where can I turn?

It's not easy.

Sparing Invertibrate Life in Daily Living

I was reading this post over at Ballastexistenz when the discussion in the comments drifted over to not killing except whenever possible, including invertebrates. Being an insect and arachnid freak myself I pitched in a bit and, after a while, I decided to share here a few tips on how not to needlessly kill our six- and eight-legged friends. What your cat does, however, may be completely out of your control.

Living Peacefully with Spiders:

Spiders are almost certainly harmless with the exception of a select few species which are capable of causing us serious or even fatal harm. Of those species which are capable of harming us, very few are territorial enough to pose much of a problem unless we intentionally molest them or do something very careless like reaching into a dark area like a crevasse or under an upturned flower pot without first looking. So, without further ado:

* Make a habit of looking before you place your hand in dark, secluded areas like behind bookshelves, inside empty flower pots, behind the water heater ect... If you find a dangerous spider there and still need to stick your hand in try coaxing it out gently with a stick. If you are able, leave the spider be secure in your knowledge that she is perfectly happy remaining where she is and will not come hunting for you.

* If a child is likely to stick their hand in said location, consider relocating the spider to a place where this is less likely to occur. If the child is old enough, consider teaching them the wisdom of looking before feeling.

* If you see a spider traveling along your walls or otherwise hunting in the open it is almost certainly NOT DANGEROUS! It is also unlikely to build a web, although it may. I almost never interact with spiders I see doing this. The exception is Loxosceles reclusa, also known as the 'brown recluse spider,' which is a roaming spider and does have a necrotic bite but is, like almost all spiders, docile towards humans. (see notes below)

* If you are concerned with spiders in your bed at night, when spiders are most likely to roam, consider moving your bed a couple inches away from the wall. This will dramatically lower the chance of a spider wandering into your bed.

* When handling debris such as wood in wood piles wear work gloves. These will protect your hands from being bitten.

Specific Spiders in North America

Disclaimer: The following information on specific spiders is provided to the best of my knowledge and for informational purposes only. Be aware that if you are extremely small of stature, very young, very old, or otherwise very weak spider venom may interact with your system more seriously.

* A special note regarding the brown recluse spider (Loxosceles reclusa): Please be aware that many people misidentify completely harmless spiders as brown recluse spiders so be sure to make a positive identification before acting. Firstly, be aware that L. reclusa is ONLY found in the southeastern United States and NOT along the Eastern Seaboard or Florida so if you are not in this region you do not have to worry about this spider. If you are in this region you may make a positive identification by taking a close look at the eyes which, unusually, are six (rather than eight) and are broken into pairings with one pair forward and one pair to each side.

Please reference this photo which highlights the eye pattern of L. reclusa. If a spider does not have this eye pattern it is not a brown recluse!

Furthermore, the recluse spider is largely harmless in that it does not hunt humans and will only bite us in the most dire of circumstances. Check clothing that has not been handled recently before wearing to ensure that the spider is not pressed against your skin.

For more information on L. reclusa, including range and detailed identification instructions, visit this Ohio State website regarding the brown recluse.

* The other medically important spiders in North America are the black widows (Latrodectus sp.). They make cobwebs in dark, sheltered areas that are rarely disturbed and, because of this, are thus extremely easy to avoid. They are also very reluctant to bite, even when disturbed. I would recommend leaving these spiders alone unless you must disturb their web or a small child is likely to stumble upon them.

Be able to recognize the difference between your local widow species and your local false widow (Steatoda sp. especially Steatoda grossa) who's bite is considerably less dangerous for a healthy, normally sized adult yet is still incredibly painful and should not be handled with bare hands.

For more information and pictures check this Duke University page on widows and compare with these pictures at BugGuide.net of Steatoda spp.. Please note that, contrary to the Duke page's information, widow spiders may fail to exhibit red markings of any kind and are much more reliably identified by their lack of color variation on their abdomen which is a solid black. Note that some false widows have very subtle patterning that may look black upon first glance, for example my local species which is black with very dark purple patterning.

Handling Spiders:

If you must handle a spider there are a few important things to keep in mind. The first is to always remain calm and composed and to avoid, whenever possible, the startle reflex. The second is to move slowly and deliberately while following solid technique.

The most important technique which you need to master is cup-and-lid technique. This is where you have a cup, which you hold horizontally next to the spider, and an implement, usually a lid but it can also be a card and hobbyists often use a small paintbrush, which you use to very gently brush the legs of the animal to steer it into the cup. Once the animal is in the cup, of course, you apply the lid, being careful not to crush any protruding legs, and transport the animal to wherever the spider needs to be transported to.

An alternate method, which is much less advisable, is to place a cup over the spider with a piece of card next to it and to scoot the cup gently over the card until the animal is trapped inside the cup on the card. This risks injuring the spider's legs, however, as they have very tiny claws which may not release easily from the spider's substrate.

A spider is extremely unlikely to bite skin which it is standing on provided that it is not trapped underneath clothing. I often heard a spider onto my hand (place your hand flat against the ground and allow the spider to walk onto it) when a cup is not readily available (usually because one of my fellow humans is threatening to kill it). Once on my hand they tend to like to wander so proper technique is to place your alternate hand flat in front of its path so that it will climb onto your other hand on its own volition: If the spider is going to walk off the edge of your hand place your other hand edge-to-edge with your current hand and if the spider is walking up your arm just place your hand over your wrist. "Walk" your hands this way until you reach a place where you wish to unload the spider and then allow it to peacefully walk off your hand.

Recognize a spider's threat posture which consists of raising both front legs (and sometimes all four front legs) in the air while baring fangs and rearing up. I found a wonderful picture of a threat posture here. The spider will adopt this posture very quickly and will shift its posture rearwards (although will not step). Be able to distinguish this from a spider stepping or feeling with both front legs which they sometimes do: This will typically be a much slower motion and will be more deliberate. Interestingly, although you will never encounter this in human/spider interaction, a female mating posture is extremely similar.

A spider that is threatened in its web will often vibrate rapidly as a threat display.

New World tarantulas will typically face directly away from an attacker and kick their abdomen to release a cloud of irritating hairs which can be quite nasty. While you will almost certainly never find a tarantula in your home, if you are lucky enough to encounter such a creature avoid allowing your face to get too close to them and do not rub your eyes after being 'flicked' by or after touching them (don't touch wild animals).

Relocating Spiders

When choosing a location to relocate a spider to try to find a location similar to that which you found them. In other words, if you found a widow spider underneath a flower pot, consider moving it to underneath another which you are not in need of.

Do not, under any circumstances, move a spider directly from a heated house to outside especially during the winter or when nighttime temperatures are cold! The spider likely relies on the controlled temperature inside the house to survive and moving them outside will likely kill them. Consider moving a spider found, for example, in the bedroom into the living room or kitchen or, if they can not be allowed to remain in the house at all, into the garage which is at least not as cold as the outside. At the very least place them in a sheltered location such as under a flower pot.

Loving Thine Neighbor the Cockroach:

The best way to handle cockroaches is to not present them with a habitat that they thrive in. In other words, keep things tidy, especially under the sink and around food stores. Do not store food (except possibly in cans) in locations which are damp or particularly humid. Ensure that uncanned food, especially flour or other grains are kept in sealed containers (or properly resealed bags) or in the refrigerator. Don't store grains for long periods of time and keep cereal high up, preferably in an exposed location such as on top of the fridge.

Use garbage cans with lids on them whenever possible. If you must use a can without a lid choose a garbage can with as smooth an exterior as possible to impair climbing by all but the most agile of species.

Do your best to keep under the sink, especially under the kitchen sink, as dry as possibly by ensuring that the drain is in proper working order. If you have the option, under the sink is likely not the best location for the trash. If roaches have been a problem in the past, consider applying a lid to your under-the-sink garbage can during the night and when food is not being prepared.

Keep food, especially carbohydrates such as cereals, grains, and sugars, higher off the ground and reserve lower cupboards for non-food items or canned items.

Never place food other than canned or jarred food in a pantry without first placing them in sealed containers or tupperware containers. Try not to ever store grains or cereals in the pantry or basement but, if you must, locate these options as high up as possible and never on the floor.

Finally, if you find a cockroach in your house or in your garage don't panic! Especially if the animal was found in the garage, basement, or pantry (with canned foods) it is likely that this animal is not of a species that thrives in a domestic environment. Try to identify the animal as best you can to see if they are a German cockroach (Blattella germanica) or a Periplantia species which includes the American cockroach (Periplantia americana) in which case they are almost certainly a problem. Other species, however, either do not or are reluctant home invaders and are usually not a problem even if they are present in low numbers in the basement or garage. Remember, you should not be storing food in these locations outside of cans or sealed containers and more vulnerable food (like unopened cake mix) should be stored as high up as possible!

Blatta orientalis, also known as the oriental cockroach, is also a known home-invader but my experience with them is that they rarely invade the home-proper and usually just hang out in garages or basements.

Check out this picture showing the difference between four different roach species. The image also includes Supella longipalpa aka. 'banded cockroach' of which I have no experience but apparently is a common home invader. Compare with this image of Blaptica dubia, a noninvasive species which is routinely domesticated (including by me).

~~

Anyway, that's pretty much all I can think of right now. If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, or corrections please leave a comment and I'll try to answer them or update my info as appropriate.

Communication Shutdown

On November 1st there is an international event which is meant to raise awareness about autism where people will voluntarily abstain from Twitter and Facebook for 24 hours. They will also donate to purchase an applet that signifies they are participating in this event. This is supposed to simulate what it is like to have communication difficulties as an autistic person.

The campaign is called Communication Shutdown and their campaign's homepage is here.

Please do NOT support this event!

Firstly, let me say that, as an autistic woman, I feel this event does a disservice to my experiences and my needs. Abstaining from social networking, even abstaining from social contact in general, does not simulate my lived experience with social difficulties. Full-Stop. All this does is teach stereotypes beget of misinformation and nothing good can come of that.

More importantly as to why you should boycott this event is because who is behind it. The founder and coordinator of this event is the AEIOU Foundaition who's board of directors and staff are completely neurotypical. The campaign's partners are more of the same: Neurotypical organizations which work on our behalf yet without our consent.

There is a major problem when those in the majority attempt to speak for, and dominate the discourse around, a minority.

Furthermore, the AEIOU Foundation and its partners are in the business of providing interventions aimed at making the consequences of our autism less severe. Whether rightly or wrongly they provide a service to help 'cure' the symptoms of our disability. In other words, they have a vested interest in a public which believes we are defective and thus in need of treatment.

This is a conflict of interest and is why the ABA industry, however well intentioned, must never be allowed to advocate on our behalf unopposed.

We need services. We certainly need awareness around and public discourse about our needs. Yet we have a right to speak for ourselves, to center the dialog on our own voices not just on our needs, to consent to our own treatment, and to lead our own struggle for equality. This has been denied to us and it is time that we, as a people, took it back.

h/t: FWD/Forward and No Stereotypes Here for bringing this to my attention.

Brief Thoughts on Refusing Medication

The following is a comment I wrote over at I'm Somewhere Else. It rather stands on its own and it talks about something I've been meaning to talk about here so I decided to repost it. Of course, check out the article in question; I'm Somewhere Else is a wonderful blog.

I think one of the things that is most hurtful part of being told you have to be on medication you do not want, even if you're able to refuse it, is that it leads to yet another way your disability becomes minimized. I refuse to take drugs for my tourette syndrome which, by all accounts is severe. Yet, because I don't take medication people compare me, and I compare myself, to people who are like me and who's symptoms are as bad as mine who are on medications. I feel that because I'm not on medications that my disability isn't really as severe as it actually is because if I were to just accept the treatment, I tell myself, it would be so much easier.

Sometimes I tell myself that I'm a drama queen or an attention seeking snowflake because I refuse to take medications. Sometimes I feel like I actually want my symptoms to be worse because I need to feel validated as a disabled person.

Sometimes I feel guilty because the outward symptoms of my disability might be reduced if I were to accept medication and those symptoms are sometimes very disruptive and negatively impact people around me. I feel like a nuisance who, because I will not accept treatment, wants to be so.

I tell myself that the reason I don't take the drugs for it is because they did nothing to ameliorate the stigma and that the side effects of the drugs made life truly miserable. This is true yet the real reason I don't take drugs is because drugs are not right for me because I do not want them. The truth is that's all there is to it.

And that's okay.

Mortality and Meaning

I consider myself a deeply spiritual person. Yet, at the same time I believe in the biological nature of the mind and, if you will, the soul. It is from this position that I find it so difficult to communicate my spirituality to others. I do not feel that it lends itself to words very easily. The following was a comment I made on a friend's blog which I feel speaks a great deal to who I am as a spiritual human being:

I do believe that the juxtaposition of biology, the idea that we are but our mortal body, and spirituality, the idea that we are more than that, is a false dichotomy. I feel the two are a dichotomy only if you believe that the higher meaning is a distinct entity from the being; that in order to embrace higher meaning we must abandon the carnal.

I do not believe we do. I believe we can seek and attain true meaning in our lives without having to abandon our mortality. I believe we can be truly meaningful without having to be more than just biology. I do not believe that we need to persevere after our deaths to be meaningful. Our actions, what we stand for, and who we are matter and truly mean something in the here-and-now.

We are of this world and when we make our world a better place, even for a moment, that moment matters.

For me, it is these moments which give my life real meaning. I will die. Someday, I will be forgotten. Yet, for the here-and-now what I do matters even for a little while. And that matters, that gives who I am meaning.